trying to be quitter

so, i’m trying to quit smoking.  but i’m not perfect, and i guess i’d rather be honest with everyone who has supported me in my quitting efforts than be false with them.   so here’s the story so far, for the no-one who cares.

i had my “last night of smoking” at jorie’s and my joint birthday party.  that was a lot of fun, and  i burned a lot of smokes that night.  i smoked my last one at about 10:20am the following morning: val drove me home, i stayed up a bit, fell asleep for a minute, then woke up and put the nail in the proverbial coffin with two last cigarettes.  the last of which ended at about 10:20 am.

so then i slept, got up for work.  i usually smoke two cigarettes on the way to work; i smoked zero that night.  i did chew a piece of nicotine gum.  i can’t smoke at work, because i’m locked in a smoke-free building, so that was usual.  then i got out of work, and i usually smoke three cigarettes before getting home.  i smoked zero that morning, and, again, just chewed a piece of nic-gum.

then i slept for a really long time — really, longer than i should have.  but i guess i was tired, so, whatever.  judge me if you want for sleeping 13 hours.  i got up again, and my craving was more intense than it had been since the beginning.  i warded it off, in part due to the nic-gum that i chewed.  i hung out for eight or so hours, then Val got up, left for work.  by then, i’d had a few cocktails.  drinking was probably a bad idea, not because i feel like i need to quit drinking on my nights off right now — we’ll maybe save that battle for a later time, and i have stopped drinking after work, for the most part — but it was probably a bad idea because a) it makes me wanna smoke, and b) it lowers my inhibitions, and lowers my self-control.

so, all that so say, i bought some smokes this morning.  i fell off the fucking wagon.  but, at the same time, it’s been a long, long time since i even went forty-eight hours without smoking.  so i’m going to burn a couple right now, since i have them, and sine i’m drunk.  then i’ll toss the rest of that pack into the dumpster, and start over again.  i work the rest of the week, and though i might have a beer or two after work, i’m not going to “drink” at least until next weekend.  so i should be able to get through several days without the temptation associated with drinking.   so, starting from a few minutes from now, if i can get seventy-two hours, that will be a new personal record.  i’m not going to beat myself up, but i’m going to be honest.  i hate this quitting shit, but i want to do it.  and i’m also going to be honest about my failures.  but, okay, so i fucked up after two days.  well, then, if i can go four more days without fucking up, that’s progress, right?  i’ve always said that self-control is not my strong suit.

i’m not perfect, but i’m trying.  hopefully my failures will get further and further apart.  i really am trying.