sometimes it’s a bummer to be an atheist

the last thing i want to do is throw a pity party for myself.  still, i feel like it’s worth exploring a topic when it’s getting me down.  as is my wont, i already foresee many potential responses, and i will address them as/if they come, rather than trying to proactively diffuse all criticism beforehand.

the other day i got all caught up thinking about heat death.  for a better description, well, you know how to use google, but basically, it’s the theory that eventually, all stars will burn out, and the universe will become dark and cold.  it’s a “theory” in the scientific way; that is to say, it’s the best hypothesis based on present evidence.  it’s what most astronomers and physicists say will happen eventually — it’s a “theory,” because, of course it can’t be proven.  it hasn’t happened yet.  but based on all current models of star life, galactic movement, et cetera, that’s what’s going to happen.  so no matter what we do to save the planet, at a certain point — granted, one’s that billions of years down the road — all the energy in the universe will be diffused into inertness.

if you believe in an afterlife, this poses no problems: who gives a crap about a dead physical universe when we’ll be living in an eternal non-physical reality?  but i don’t believe that.

sometimes, atheists get characterized as people who think that they are better-than-thou people who are able to “free themselves” from “religious foolishness” by using their “rationality,” while rejecting the obvious reality of Jesus or Allah or Zeus or whoever because they want to live lives of sin.  there’s a lot working there, and ultimately, whether right or wrong, i feel like i’ve asked the hard questions and come to the conclusion that either there is no god, or a “god” that exists certainly isn’t explained or understood by one book or one sect of one group of people on one planet at one particular place in time.  it’s been tough, and here’s one of the reasons why it’s tough.

heat death.

if there’s no afterlife, once the universe goes to heat death, there’s no possible way that you’ll be remembered, that any difference you made will have any effect, that any distant descendant of yours will even still be alive.  no one will.  all humanity will be gone.  there will be no life.  it all seems a little pointless when you take that perspective, doesn’t it?

i happened to be listening back to some of my old band’s music today.  here’s the bit that got me thinking about this (at the moment; i dwell on this often, sadly):

“when my life is done, i will meet the one who put all the stars in the sky.  i keep pressing on, singing freedom songs with the words that you wrote for me.  they can’t hold me back; all the love i lack, i have found in your open arms.  i’ll lay down my head, ain’t that what you said will happen when my hell is through.  i can go to sleep, no more tears to weep.  and finally i’ll see you again.”

i’m actually weeping myself as i write this: the line, “no more tears to weep…” what a great dream.  how fucking awesome would that be?  to never weep again — to never be sad, to never miss your dead mother, to never regret poor decisions, to never feel like a failure, to never succumb to your own weakness.  to not see your species go extinct in the universe’s heat death.  that would be fucking awesome.

so, whatever you think about me being an atheist…it’s not all me thinking i’m cool or whatever all the time.  sometimes, it really, really sucks.

but i refuse to believe in something just to make myself feel better if it’s not true.  i’d rather shiver naked under an open sky of truth than feel warm and cozy under a blanket of lies and false faith.  that’s a shitty metaphor — real cheezy.  but it’s how i feel.

the words of Morpheus come to mind:

“I dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me.”