another bi-polar blog…bllggh EMO LOL
07.08.2010
lately, this thought has been in my mind: what’s the fucking point, because someone is always going to be smarter or better or more beautiful or whatever other quality you might think you have. what’s the fucking point in trying to learn about science unless i’m going to be come a goddam neurologist. what’s the point in debating evolution versus creationism unless i have a Ph-fucking-D in paleontology. what’s the point in writing if i’m never going to get published.
i have a shit job that i’m not even good at, and no prospects, despite a ten million dollar education that was more than half paid for by my parents. i feel like i suck and because someone is always going to be better at me at anything that i could ever possibly try, what is even the point? sure, you don’t have to be the best gas station attendant in the world to sell pall malls to trailer trash. but no one cares about you. and that’s me. ugh. fuck.
Questions of meaning and purpose are tough and often gut wrenching. I’ll give you that. What I won’t give you is that because you have these feelings of worthlessness or meaninglessness they are true.
You are valued because you ARE, not because you are the best, or smartest, or whatever-est. That’s just what I believe and you can’t persuade me otherwise.
I give myself a version of this test, now I want you to give it to yourself: Would you allow someone to talk about Val the way you talk about yourself?
Seriously. I question the value of my existence too. So I feel you. But, please, when you feel this way, know that at the vary least you exist for those of us who love you. And I’m belligerent enough to say that that’s not nothing!
There’s a little I’m-the-big-sister-and-I-can-say-whatever-I-want talk for you.
Love.
So, answer me this, what’s the point of living at all if there is no eternity? If death is simply…the end. Black. Nothing.
sarah: no, you’re absolutely right. if i claim that degrading speech should be avoided, then i’m certainly violating my own rules. i acknowledge that. i don’t feel like this all the time — i just get really bummed out sometimes, and i guess this is my way of venting. *shrug* but, i agree that existing for those that i love, and, i begrudgingly admit, those that love me, does make it worth it, no matter how life turns out.
tracy: three points.
first, no eternity makes this life even more important. when i wrote this blog, i was obviously not in a good state of mind. but a more calm, more rational approach insists that there IS a point to all of this, and it’s living with those we care about and who care about us. if i really believed everything i wrote in this blog, i would be dead by my own hand. my failure to commit suicide suggests that i DO see value in life, even without hope of eternity.
second, i might ask you how you felt about the millennia before you were born? you weren’t sitting around begrudging the fact that you didn’t exist at that time. you simply didn’t exist. in the same way, in my opinion, that you won’t begrudge the years after your death. they will be exactly the same to you as the years before you were born.
third, even if that thought is depressing, it in no way suggest that the opposite is true. put differently, wanting god to exist does not make him any more real. some people don’t like the idea of evolution because they hate the idea that they evolved from apes. liking or disliking that idea has absolutely no bearing on whether or not you actually are related to apes or not. if you could some how PROVE that there is ABSOLUTELY NO POINT to life without an afterlife (an idea which i contest), it would still not prove that there is a god — it would suggest a dichotomy, that either there is a god or that there is no point, but it would in no way point to the actual existence of a deity.